Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
