ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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