she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
