do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
