I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
