So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
