does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
