bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
