What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
