I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
