Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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