You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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