I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
