Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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