Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
