Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
