There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
God I need to hump something, right now.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
