Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
