3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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