I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
