I'm so fucking centered right now
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
