I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
