I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
