Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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