I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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