After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
