I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
