I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
