I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
