just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
