You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just blew my weed a kiss
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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