You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
