At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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