The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
