Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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