I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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