a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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