if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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