I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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