If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I cut my penus on the lid.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
