We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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