I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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