what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
