shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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