Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
