Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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