I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
