I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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