The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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