You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
