She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
