Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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