Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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