1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
