defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
