I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
