Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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