What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
