The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Randomize
