your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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