just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
