When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
